You don't want to be Todd Martens

thehighandlow replied to your post: “So, ummm, can you decrease the dinner reservation… you...

Sat, 11 May 2013 21:48:26 -0400

thehighandlow replied to your post: “So, ummm, can you decrease the dinner reservation…

you should have kept it for 2 and just made it seem like you had an imaginary friend. not only would you have a better table, the looks on people’s faces would be priceless. i’m assuming that this was for blue bayou?

Opportunity lost. Another option was a Sorcerer Mickey plush. But Carthay Circle. Have only eaten in the bar downstairs thus far, and Blue Bayou has disappointed me before.

“So, ummm, can you decrease the dinner reservation from 2 to 1 … because when I made the...

Sat, 11 May 2013 20:10:22 -0400

“So, ummm, can you decrease the dinner reservation from 2 to 1 … because when I made the reservation I had a girlfriend, but now I don’t, but I still want to eat there, so….”

Embarrassing call I just made.

To Disneyland.

Video

Sun, 27 May 2012 13:53:33 -0400

My readers! Kate Charnas seems to know me pretty well.

Thu, 24 May 2012 00:01:49 -0400

My readers! Kate Charnas seems to know me pretty well.

“I want to go to the bank, and if I wait longer than I’m...

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 19:06:00 -0400

“I want to go to the bank, and if I wait longer than I’m supposed to, or someone cuts in front of me, I want to be able to say, ‘Hey, that’s not right. Go to the back of the line.’ Right now, I can’t do that.” — Teri Suaréz, Butcherette

Photo: Brian van der Brug / Los Angeles Times

Pfeiffer Martens | May 19, 2000 - March 21, 2012 Another...

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 11:34:00 -0400

Pfeiffer Martens | May 19, 2000 - March 21, 2012

Another lifetime has passed without a Cubs World Series.

In all seriousness, I don’t know how to be without her. When it comes to socializing, I most often prefer not to, and Pfeiffer was in many ways all I had out here in L.A.

Wild Belle. One of the better bands I saw in Austin.

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 11:40:52 -0400

Wild Belle. One of the better bands I saw in Austin.

I still need to cover this tattoo. Thanks to Jim Testa for...

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 11:18:57 -0400

I still need to cover this tattoo. Thanks to Jim Testa for pointing me in the direction of this comic.

F-you, Sony.

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 15:40:07 -0500

F-you, Sony.

I wanna see! Read the first book at the animal hospital this...

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 22:53:37 -0500

I wanna see! Read the first book at the animal hospital this weekend. Loved it.

We start chemotherapy on Monday. Here’s hoping two in the...

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 18:35:27 -0500

We start chemotherapy on Monday. Here’s hoping two in the Martens’ Hollywood household can beat cancer.

This post is to acknowledge that I don’t really know how...

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 16:48:51 -0500

This post is to acknowledge that I don’t really know how to deal with this. It doesn’t look like Pfeiffer is going to make it. She’s 11, and has been in and out of the vet for the past 14 months with various issues, and said issues have now escalated to cancer (I guess she takes after me).

I’ve been trying to be strong and not tell folks — keep people out of my own sorrow and all that. Those who know have either caught me crying, or found out because I keep cancelling any and all plans and essentially have zero desire to leave my apartment, which is now essentially a cat hospice.

I like to think/hope Pfeiff had it pretty good. She got to see the US of A on multiple cross country road trips, spent a year living in Chicago, and never had to go more than five feet to find a scratching station in my apartment. When I was ill a couple years ago, she was something of a savior to me, and I am in no way whatsoever prepared to be without her.

Image: Pfeiff and her tattoo, circa 2007.

Saturday. The checkout folks at Ralph’s, the last two times I have gone, have waved me over to...

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 23:15:56 -0500

Saturday.

The checkout folks at Ralph’s, the last two times I have gone, have waved me over to the 15 items or less lane, despite clearly having more than 15 items. The amount of stress this adds to my grocery shopping experience is enough that I am thinking I should only buy food online.*

“I can’t do that,” I said to the woman, who looked at me funny and reiterated a second time that there was no wait in her 15 items or less lane.

“I will only come in there,” I said, “if you promise me that you tell anyone who comes behind me, with less than 15 items, that you said it was OK for me to come into this line.”

“Come again,” she said, and I explained to her that, perhaps, someone may just want to buy a gallon of milk, and here I would be with 30-plus items in what is clearly designated as the 15 items or less lane. In that case, I would be the jerk, I would get dirty looks, people would sigh under their breath and direct that sigh at me. This would be an added three or four hours that I would not be able to sleep at night.

When I got home, I became convinced I had earlier vacuumed up the plastic stake that accompanies my “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” action figure, and went through two weeks of dust and cat hair in my bagless vacuum looking for the plastic stake.

*****

*Tumblr only addendum: I once asked out a mildly famous actress/comedian by attempting to bond over yummy.com. I had asked her out (sort of) two prior times, and I was convinced — CONVINCED — that a shared-use of yummy.com would pretty much win her over.

Super jealous of this — at the bar at Golden Road. (Taken...

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 18:30:48 -0500

Super jealous of this — at the bar at Golden Road. (Taken with instagram)

Old TSR Christmas card. Edit: It’s in poor condition...

Sun, 25 Dec 2011 13:40:00 -0500

Old TSR Christmas card.

Edit: It’s in poor condition because I had this hanging year-round on my bed’s headboard throughout the entirety of my childhood.

This stunner from Chicago’s Goose Island is...

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 22:50:00 -0500

This stunner from Chicago’s Goose Island is tonight’s dessert. There’s a moderate level of carbonation, but the aged, oak feel is still that of drinking fresh cherries. Really tart, extremely sour — let it warm and you’ll likely find yourself puckering with each sip, also because it’s incredibly dry.

This is a really excellent session from Half Acre. Low 4.2 ABV,...

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 21:18:00 -0500

This is a really excellent session from Half Acre. Low 4.2 ABV, and kind of a grainy feel at first. Let it cool a few, through, and the tartness bursts through. Really high citrus content, but really clean. The earthy feel seems to play up sweetness rather than the beer’s more sour qualities. In other news, apparently an extended family member has a mail-order bride. Switching to something stronger soon.

Goose Island, Midway IPA. One of my favorite IPAs, very sweet...

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 18:52:00 -0500

Goose Island, Midway IPA. One of my favorite IPAs, very sweet for the genre. It reminds me of more traditional English IPAs, and it’s some of Goose’s best work. (Taken with instagram)

Denmark’s Evil Twin Brewing pokes fun at Brooklyn with...

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 16:55:00 -0500

Denmark’s Evil Twin Brewing pokes fun at Brooklyn with this “single hip beer” (get it? Instead of “single hop.” Whatever, it made me laugh.) Here’s hoping it doesn’t taste like Vegan. Also: That’s my parents’ back porch.

Favorite albums of the year post!!

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 20:42:04 -0500

Favorite albums of the year post!!